this vacations useless, these white pills are kind.

here i am back to how i was before. always by myself with nothing to do. wondering where life will be taking me next. lost of things have gone and passed. just not sure about things anymore. what happened to the days when things were so much easier? when your worries were so simple and the only thing you had to worry about the next day was what your mother was going to pack for lunch for school? those days seem to have come and gone so easily. why don't we cherrish those days when we were younger? there is so much more to worry about now. will i be able to pay my bills and rent these days? how can i find a better job? what do people think of me? what will happen to my friends? will i still have them tommorrow or will they be gone? those are the questions i am asking myself these days

just wishing all my friends on here a happy valentines day. hope everyone has a good one.

well i'm single again. people keep on telling me that it wasn't my fault but what if it is? what if i drove him to the point where he would cheat on me. i'm so confused right now. i keep on thinking i did something wrong. maybe i didn't do anything wrong but i wasn't enough? what if i wasn't pretty enough or paid enough attention to him. or even what if i didn't give him what he needed? it's just so confusing right now.

Also how am i supposed to trust another guy? i can't seemed to find one that won't cheat on me. i can't do it again. maybe once i get into a relationship i should say to the guy if you are going to cheat then leave now. i just don't know what to do. i miss having that person that i can tell anything to and not feel stupid. i miss having someone tell me that they love me.

i just can't go through it again. But maybe that's the type of relationship i'm supposed to have for the rest of my life. maybe i'm supposed to be with someone who is going to cheat on me and that i won't be able to trust. or if maybe if they do it to me i should do the same to them. i just don't know right now. i'm so confused about everything.

I fucked up once again. I was supposed to go see my boyfriend this thursday and now from the sounds of it I won't be able to get there. I fucked up so much and hurt him. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before all of this happened. he told me last night that if I'm not in toronto tommorrow he won't be phoning for a while it is killing me to know he would be that upset with me. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I truely do love him with all of my heart. just lately we've been having some problems. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I really want to there on thursday but I'm so worried I won't be able to get there. this is now the third time I've promised i would be there. I love him with all of my heart and I don't want to mess up anymore. the main problem is I can either get a bus to toronto or I can get a cab to owen sound. but I can't do both. it's so expensive and I'm broke. I hope I can get there tommorrow and not hurt him again. I'll be talking with him tonight. i hope I will have an answer for him then.

how was I so stupid that I did that? I hurt the most loving caring wonderful guy in the world. i wake up every morning now and hate myself for it. I'm so stupid. just kill me now. I wake up every morning after a lousy night's sleep hating myself and just wanting to go somewhere to die. How could I have been so stupid? I mean we're still together but I still hurt him. life sucks right now. I'm supposed to be living with him right now but because of my mother I couldn't go live with him. I mean I've just hurt him over and over again. I really want to stop doing that and I have stopped now. I just wish things could go back and change it all. You know what I mean. Well that's all I have to say for now. bye all.